Addiction’s Silent Victims: The Emotional Toll on Siblings

Addiction impacts so many lives, and it is called a family disease for a reason, but far too often there is a group frequently disregarded: siblings. People will ask how the parents and spouse are holding up, but I can honestly say I don't think I have ever been asked how her siblings were doing. I don't think many realize how much the disease of addiction impacts the brothers and sisters, and we need to talk about it more.

The Parent Who Was There, But Wasn't

For several years I was stuck in the mode of trying to save my daughter, and even though I was present with my other kids, I was still mentally and often emotionally checked out. I didn't even realize it in the moment because I was too busy drowning from the pain and fear of losing my daughter to an overdose.

I can remember a painful moment where my younger daughter, who was in high school at the time, approached me about her mental health struggles. The timing was horrible for me to process and be there for her the way she deserved. I remember feeling as though I was going to have a panic attack, possibly even a nervous breakdown, because I simply was incapable of taking on the struggle of another child.

She deserved better from me.

I did get her a therapist during that time, but she needed her mother to sit with her, listen, love on her, and tell her it would all be okay, that we would get through this. I will regret for the rest of my life not being able to give her that during that time.

The Invisible Children: How Siblings Cope With Addiction in the Family

Just as parents suffer with ambiguous grief, so do the rest of the family. Siblings learn to be people pleasers, not cause waves because they see how their parents are suffering. The children struggling with addiction become the center of attention, all while their siblings become experts at gracefully disappearing.

They become exhausted, all while battling their own depression, anxiety, and guilt, which ends up being internalized. The irony is that while parents fight to save one child, another is quietly sacrificing their own sense of safety, joy, and identity to keep the family from collapsing.

When Recovery Begins: The Uncomfortable Truth About Sibling Resentment

When I started meeting my daughter where she was in active addiction, and just accepted that I could not save her, that this was her journey, I was able to finally start healing. I created a space for her siblings to openly vent and not feel pressure to come with me when I would share a meal with their sister still consumed by addiction. I always gave them the option to come with me, but zero pressure.

Then when their sister finally found recovery and came home to live, there was a huge adjustment period. Screaming matches at times. I refused to pick sides because both sides were valid. Their now sober sister was consumed by feelings of shame, of being behind when it came to career and "adulting," feeling looked down on. Then there was her sister who naturally doubted how long this period of sobriety would last before she relapsed and left again. Her resentment was real and valid. I wasn't going to tell her to walk on eggshells out of fear of triggering a relapse.

Healing Is Possible: What Siblings of Addicts Need to Hear

Fortunately, as time went on and communication improved, our family healed. My daughters are extremely close now, and our teenage son has also moved past his resentments. The laughter has been beautiful to witness. Healing takes time though.

Siblings deserve to hear that they are allowed to have boundaries, that they aren't expected to pick up the pieces, that their grief is real, that they deserve support too, and that they can love their sibling struggling without losing themselves.

If you're a parent navigating addiction in your family, please don't forget the siblings. Check in with them. Create space for their anger, their fear, their resentment. Let them know they don't have to be okay, they don't have to forgive on anyone else's timeline, and they are allowed to protect their own peace.

The sibling who isn't struggling with addiction still needs you. They're just quieter about it.